Truth is a vacancy, dream, panic

last night, i fell into a deep sleep. i didn't wake up for a long time. when i did, i was confronted by this great vacancy i have become. i am so keenly aware of fragility at this moment.

this is what i remember today.

truth is a vacancy, dream, panic

i dream in panic
afraid that I will wake up

i dream of falling
as panic spills out of my pores
in relief
i have a nightmare
that i don’t wake up from

i live with thoughts of
beginnings becoming endings
transforming the panic of indecision
with the final choice
of surrender

i cannot wait

for a revolution of clarity
or resolution of the ache
for the right time

we all knew it would come to this
we shared a secret, violent in its silence
no believes circumstantial evidence
people want ‘show-me-the-scars’ truth

my truth is a vacancy
i’ve never been in a place i should be
the search has been bitter and bloody
my era of trying to be seen is over
everything has broken
as casually as closing
a bank account
there’s no interest
in saving a life
already declared lost