I Survived Suicide - World Suicide Prevention Day

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. Today, we going to read all sorts of facts and figures and hear many people proclaim the importance of suicide awareness.

But today we should share stories. Stories of survival and why suicide became the best most reasonable choice.

So here's mine.

I had gone through another manic period followed by the inevitable crash into depression. The depression was crushing. I stayed in one corner of my bed for months it seemed. By rights, I should have been in hospital.

I became obsessed with the idea that if I could just be gone, all this would end, i would be relieved and undoubtedly everyone around me would be very relieved.

It was believing that I was just burdening people that was the deciding factor. Everyone would be better off. No one would have to worry about me. All I had to do was swallow a bunch of pills.

And I had a bunch of pills. A wide colourful variety of geometric shapes. I have no idea what combination of medications I took that night. I don't know how many. I know it was a cocktail of death that I could hold in my fist.

I sat on the edge of my bed, thinking. Do I have the courage to do this? Turns out, you don't need courage. You just need to say fuck it and swallow and swallow and swallow. Then...I guess you just wait.

After this I don't remember very much for maybe a week. I don't remember if I was hospitalized. I have flashes of wandering and banging on doors and windows opening. When I came back to life, I was still where I was and nothing had changed.

But I failed. Sometimes I'm happy about that. Sometimes I'm truly ambivalent. I'm not sure how anyone else feels about this.